DAY 2: Spitefulness

Acting in spitefulness is acting in a way to deliberately offend, harm, or annoy someone.

I do things sometimes to piss people off on purpose. I’m seeing this in memories and more present experiences throughout my whole life where I had gone ‘out of my way’ to make someone upset just because I get a kick out of it. Seeing someone put off, creeped out, or annoyed by what I was enacting would give me a 'high'. That feeling of highness is a feeling or superiority and control. I felt control over the person by seeing them annoyed or upset by what I had said or done. I do it because I've been upset with myself for seemingly having no control over my life, and I desire to see the same in others; I desire to see them lose control over themselves as their emotions rise, whereby I seemingly get a ‘rise’ myself out of it as entertainment. Though, in reality, I had only been perpetuating the upsets in myself by not stopping myself from the get-go as I did not stop myself from spiting others. Just like anything I do, it is a ‘reflection’ of who and what I allow myself to be.

Spite is one of the primary causes of the suffering that is allowed and accepted in the world as it stands today. Labeling a different colored person as a ‘racial slur’ is done in spitefulness. Accepting the way the world is currently is done purposefully/willfully done and it is harming others; it is done in spitefulness. Accepting me as a body of thoughts feelings and emotions that cause me suffering is done in spite of myself as who I really am.

I see that this spitefulness has become who I am and I have allowed myself to live as. I notice that in my past I could have made decisions that would have benefited myself and would not have been a 'deliberate' offense to people by only helping myself, but instead I decided to 'stick it to em' by allowing myself take the route that I believed was annoying people or offending people when in fact it was only affecting my experience of life and making things more difficult for myself. As an example, doing poorly in school was a way to spite my parents and teachers that ‘saw potential’ in me and I wanted to 'prove them wrong'. I willfully didn't do the work I could have done in school to better educate myself or make my life easier, but instead I was addicted to a feeling of control over myself and others through spiting them. The feeling of control was in fact controlling me when I am moved my a feeling instead of a self-directive.

Self-forgiveness is a way to give the power back to myself. I give myself permission to stop holding on to the ties of past experience, limitation, abuse, and how I am harming myself/other with deceptive mind constructs. I will also make sure not to create another pattern by fearing to spite another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely annoy or offend people through spite because in doing so I feel a high of superiority or control for a moment as a mind created experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel myself as being superior to others or in control of others by/through spiting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel in control of myself by spiting others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience as a rise in energy when and as I experience myself seeing another experiencing a rise in their emotions of annoyance/fear/pain.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel upset with myself, believing that I had no direct control over myself, so I instead spite another and feel a control over another by observing their seeming loss of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel/experience myself as inferior to my self-directive-will - I realize that I am not inferior to my self-directive will; that I am my self-directive will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a desire within myself to observe and/or experience the harm/annoyance/fear of another that has been 'caused' by my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a desire within myself to observe and/or experience a rise in another’s emotions as an experience of entertainment for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a desire to be entertained by spiting another and seeing the harm/annoyance/fear that they experience and exhibit.

I forgive myself that I had not allowed myself to see/realize that in spiting another I actually have no control over their experience of emotions/feelings; that they are responsible for their own emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself that I had not allowed myself to see/realize that I had only been perpetuating the upset within myself as experiencing myself as having no control over my direction by spiting others and believing myself to have control over another.

I forgive myself that I had not allowed myself to realize that in spiting another I am in fact spiting myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I see in another is a direct reflection upon myself in my experience of and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and experience myself as the embodiment of spite and spitefulness towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past as acting as a spiteful human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame for my past as having lived in spite of others - I realize that I am not to be ashamed of my past and I am not this shame I had experienced.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to believe that in spiting another I was proving their claim wrong, that I had potential or could help myself effectively, when I wasn’t actually proving anything against their claims – I was only harming myself and making things more difficult for myself.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed a feeling of spitefulness to move and direct me instead of me practicing self-direction and self-will to not be moved by an elusive feeling/thought/emotion of spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse another by spiting them.

EDIT:  I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have been spiting others, harming/annoying/bring pain through emotion to them, because I had seen the world as being spiteful towards me and I only reflected the world I saw back onto others as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world had become spiteful of its own volition and not through the creation of it as creator as I have created the world to be spiteful and I had become spiteful through my self-created patterns of spitefulness.

I realize that I am not this spitefulness towards others.

I realize I am not this spitefulness towards myself.

I realize that I am not this feeling of superiority or control when others are moved by one spiting another.

I realize that I am not this feeling of inferiority towards myself as self-direction.

I realize that I am not the desire to see others moved by my spiting them.

When and as I see myself going into acting through spitefulness, I stop and breathe and I realize that I am moving myself towards spite and creating a loop for myself - going through another experience of spite. I then stop myself from experiencing an act of spite, I move myself, and I let spitefulness go with a breath

When and as I see myself going into an experience of spiting self, I stop myself from participating in spite towards self, I breathe and I realize that I am going into a spiteful reaction and putting myself there, I stop myself from spite and I release the spite towards myself through breath.

When and as I experience myself as being superior or in control of others by spiting them, I stop myself from participating in the experience of control or being superior to another through spite; I breathe and I realize that I am having a mind created experience of superiority and/or control. I stop myself from experiencing superiority and control and I delete it through a breath.

When and as I see myself experiencing inferiority towards my own self-direction, I stop myself from participating in the experience of inferiority towards myself, I breathe and I realize that I am experiencing a mindfuck and the experience of inferiority is in fact not real. I stop myself from experiencing inferiority and delete it with one breath.

When and as I see myself experiencing a desire to spite another, I stop myself from participating in the experience of desiring to spite another, I breathe and I realize that I experience a deception as desire to spite another, I stop myself from experiencing a desire to spite another and I delete with a breath.