DAY 11: Stopping My Alcohol Use

For a while now, I've wanted to stop drinking alcohol. I've said to myself countless times that I would stop, saying "This will be my last drink" but to no avail as I find myself tempted into drinking at a later day when I  'forget' what I told myself, only to feel some remorse the day after. So why do I keep consuming alcohol?

In my experience, drinking alcohol has always been associated with a social gathering of some sort, like a party. Usually people I know or my friends are there. I anticipate a fun evening when I know that there's intoxication happening. Alcohol is a depressant and it relaxes me a lot to a point where I lose some of my self-control, and I've come to like that about alcohol because sometimes I perceive myself as uptight, but I'm not incapable of relaxing on my own. When I'm drunk I care a lot less about the consequences of my actions, so I'm liable to act or speak abusive/stupid shit to others, Alcohol use within a group of people seems to encourage open communication with one another, which seems very difficult at times. I get the impression that people don't want to be open and honest with each other most of the time, but when people are drunk that wall has been moved out of the way for a moment. It's not uncommon to see people 'bonding' together more often with alcohol in there veins.

I drink alcohol because of the social situation of people in the group or party drinking alcohol and seemingly having a great time, so I am tempted to join in. Honestly, I've worried about what other people would think of me if I just flat out said 'No' to consumption of alcohol at a party, as if it's unethical or something; like I'm not allowed to just enjoy myself without first ingesting poison. Wanting to be perceived as one of the group, I tend to feel a bit of embarrassment if I don't drink at a party where alcohol is provided. I've become very attracted(attached) to the situation where I feel more open with everyone, where the social parameters have been taken down as long as I'm drunk too.

There's a belief in me that if I consume alcohol it will alleviate any stress I feel beforehand, like it helps me to relax. If it's not me moving myself to relaxation/calmness, feeling like I need a drug to relax, than I am not standing clear within myself. Prior experiences of being drunk has led me to believe that I can communicate with females better, and I often find myself hoping that I can score with one too, even though I usually don't as I've always felt like it wasn't quite... natural if I had to be drunk in order to 'fool around'. A stress experienced within me is when I am in a group of a lot more people than I'm used to, and alcohol supposedly fixes this problem. I've defined myself as an introvert, so I feel like I'm expending energy if I'm within a group of people as opposed to a few or within solitude. Alcohol supposedly helps me to loosen my tongue or communicate better, which is bullshit because it actually becomes harder to speak while intoxicated - words become slurred and often times difficult to understand. I find that the more I get used to only being able to communicate openly with a person while drunk, the more difficult it is to communicate the same way when not drunk. Obvious, I guess...

Then there's the point of what alcohol is doing to my physical body, not only the point of what I experience' myself to be going through. It's been proven that alcohol harms the entire human physical body. The liver has to work extra hard in order to digest all the alcohol consumed from a night of drinking. The brain shrivels up. I become dehydrated, alcohol is a diuretic which means more bodily fluids are lost than the amount that was taken in so I have to continuously drink water so I don't have a headache or a hangover the next day. Alcohol weakens stomach lining. Alcohol weakens muscles, bones, and joints. The heart-beat become irregular. Nearly every organ and system within the body is adversely affected.

That's why I'm going to commit myself to stopping my alcohol use. While it may seem like it helps me out in having a good time, it actually does more harm than support. It's not worth feeling a dependency on alcohol in order to enjoy myself. Really, alcohol in itself has no supportive purpose whatsoever. I realize that now for myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to make a commitment with myself to stop my use of alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace my self-trust by allowing myself to go back on the words I spoke to myself about stopping my alcohol use.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tempted into alcohol consumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate drinking alcohol with a fun social gathering, like a party where everyone’s having a great time being drunk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that with a night of drinking alcohol will come fun and open expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into pressure from my peers that I should drink alcohol in order to enjoy myself to the fullest extent in a party situation.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to perceive that losing control of me is acceptable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as uptight if I don’t have alcohol inside of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that it is harder for me to relax myself without a chemical aid such as alcohol.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to find it acceptable that I should not care about the consequences of my actions and words, especially is I’m intoxicated.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame alcohol for abusive/stupid shit that comes out of my mouth when I’m drunk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive/imply that with alcohol use come open communication between beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that people generally don’t want to communicate openly and honestly with each other.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I perceive others as unwilling to communicate open and honestly because I am afraid to without use of alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear open and honest communication with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that social situations where intoxication is prevalent people are more likely to enjoy themselves and have a nice time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tempted by a perceived notion that intoxication provides a fun/nice time within a group of people.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear what other people think of me when I do not consume alcohol within a party setting.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to simply say ‘no’ to alcohol consumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that not consuming alcohol within  a party setting is unethical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to enjoy myself unconditionally within a social gathering without consumption of alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire being part of a group that consumes alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a perceived position within a group of people at a social gathering who are consuming alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a perceived position within  a group of people who consume alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the change within myself if I were to stop myself from consuming alcohol within social situations where alcohol Is provided.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience embarrassment if I don’t drink alcohol at a social situation where alcohol is provided.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become attracted/attached to situations where I feel more open/easy going because I had consumed alcohol.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that if I consume alcohol it will alleviate stress within me.

I forgive myself that I’ve allowed myself to believe that I require alcohol within social situations in order to relax.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that if I not directing myself to a relaxed state, that I need a catalyst to do so, than I am not standing clear within self-honesty in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can communicate with females better if I am intoxicated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get off easier with a female if I am intoxicated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate within stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that alcohol will fix stress problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an introvert or one who gains energy by being in solitude and expends energy in social situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that alcohol helps me communicate better – instead of realizing that alcohol actually inhibits speech.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I will not actually communicate better with others while I’m intoxicated, as it is only a perceived illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm my physical body by consuming alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work my liver harder than necessary by consuming alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm my brain by letting it shrivel during consumption of alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself become dehydrated from consummation of alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to weaken my stomach by consuming alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to weaken my muscles, bones, and joints by consuming alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm nearly every single organ and physical system within my body by consuming alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel remorse about consuming alcohol - when I see that it adversely affects me and those around me.

I realize that I am not this desire to consume alcohol.

I realize that I do not require alcohol to enjoy myself within social situations.

I realize that I am not this desire to be and experience myself as intoxication.

I realize that I am not this experience of temptation to consume more alcohol.

I realize that I am not this experience of not caring when I am drunk of alcohol.

I realize that I am not this perception of wanting to seem like a a part of the group/party when others within the group/party are consuming alcohol and I am not.

I commit myself to stopping my consumption of alcohol. I commit myself to never to give in to temptation of consuming alcohol. I commit myself to enjoy myself unconditionally without the use of chemical substances, such as alcohol. 

When and as I see myself experiencing a desire to consume alcohol, I stop myself from participating within a desire to consume alcohol - I stop and breath and realize that I am not this desire to consume alcohol, and I direct myself through this point of desiring alcohol with self-honesty and breath by breath I walk through it and I release it from myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing a desire to become intoxicated, I stop myself from participating within a desire to become intoxicated - I stop and breath and realize that I am not this desire to become intoxicated, and I direct myself through this point with self-honesty and breath by breath I walk through it and release it from myself.